Back to Work, Day 1

So this morning, I handed Jack over to a virtual stranger and went off to work. It was horrible. The nanny seems great - I only ended up interviewing 2 in the end, and I really like her and feel great about her. BUT she is still someone I've only known for a couple days and it took all my willpower not to call her every 5 minutes and make sure all was well and Jack was still alive. She came recommended from another family in the neighborhood - she's been their nanny for 2.5 years and now that their daughter's in preschool they don't need a full-time nanny anymore so we are "sharing" this nanny. Which means basically that she's with Jack alone until about 2:30 and then they go and get the other little girl and have both of them until 5:30. I like this because a) it makes me feel better knowing that this other family has known her for years and really likes her, and b) because she's been nannying in the neighborhood for a while, she knows all the good kid spots, where the storytimes are, etc... c) it makes it less likely that she will run away and sell Jack on the Baby Black Market. But it still sucks. It's also pretty damn expensive. I still think I will likely move him into daycare when he's a bit older, maybe when he passes the one-year mark? But who knows. Maybe I'll love this situation so much that I'll take out a second mortgage to keep the nanny.

I don't know what the answer is to the whole work-mom question. Even though it isn't remotely an option for me, I know I couldn't be a stay-at-home-mom. I'd go insane. But I certainly wouldn't say no to a LITTLE more time with him. Especially when I go back to work for real in the new year and I'm on a much more normal work schedule. It's going to be a real bummer seeing him for an hour or two in the morning and then an hour or two in the evening and that's it, 5 days a week.

Oh well. It's not like any of this is new territory. I know mom have been dealing with this for ages and dads even more so. It's just so different to think about in theory when you're pregnant and know that you'll be going back to work. All day today, taking the subway, walking down the street, it's like I kept thinking I'd left something at home and then I realized I had...Jack. After 3 months of literally almost never being more than 10 feet away from him, it's so strange to be a train ride away. All day.

Sorry for the slightly bummer post. At least you don't have to read the rambling paragraph I wrote and then deleted about America and it's bastard policies on work/family/mothers. It was pure drivel.

And as always, a pic of the little man. 12 weeks old today. He's getting more and more hair!